I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I pour the whiskey from now on
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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