You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I puked a lego.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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