i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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