even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
