wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
