I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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