Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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