ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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