you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
