I can't breathe out the right side of my face
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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