pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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