My liver just broke up with me...
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
