I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
40s are totally the cure
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
