The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
