Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
