So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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