It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
