After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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