either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
