You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
