I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
