Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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