No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
