I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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