Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
