When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
