life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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