So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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