New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
