I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
