Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Dicks are not precious.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
