the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
