i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
