I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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