And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
