piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
