Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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