I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
