I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
