I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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