i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
