You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Ketchup is God's man juice
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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