Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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