My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
