After last night, I could never be a politician.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
