Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I have fence marks all over my body
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
