Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
