Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
