just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
