when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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