she woke up with a sticky ear
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
