She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
