How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
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